Monday, July 8, 2019

Dissatisfaction with Work

I am at work but I feel such a strong resistance to being here, participating, and contributing; I can't explain it. I feel a great momentum within myself that is moving in a different direction than my "current" path. (Don't get me wrong, this is a great company with great people- it's just not ME.)

This feels like a stronger resistance than I have ever felt before. I have felt resistance many times but never this STRONG. I am asking my inner self to show me- where is this resistance coming from? Where is it leading me? (I can't stop my current path unless I know where the "other option" may lead and that it will be able to support my family.) Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? (I know I am not "supposed" to do anything- I believe I have free will, but the question is to my self- what do I want me to do.) I feel I don't want to move from this spot until I know what I am supposed to do.

The immediacy of where I am is nearly unbearable. I can't fathom going into this for another six months- maybe another month or so - but ONLY if I know where my path will diverge to.  Change NOW would be better!

[Can my need for change be compared in any way to Farady's Law? (change in flux causes current to flow)]

Without change, I feel on the verge of admitting myself to a mental hospital. Yes it's that bad. My impulse is to look to the internet for my answers.  But I know from lots of experience in doing so, that searching for my internal answers on the internet only leads to more: confusion, wasted time, doubt, depression, emptiness, and continued lack of direction.

I am away from people, but still at work. I am "safe" for now - "safe" from the demand of others- requesting my attention, my thought power- to ends with which I do not completely agree. (I do agree with some of it, just now wholeheartedly- I don't feel it is ME.) 

It makes me feel like yelling inside. It makes me feel like saying "no" (to any asks of me). It makes me feel like leaving and not coming back.

What would I rather do instead? Read. Write. Talk with people. Take a long walk every day. Be able to move around the country when I want. (with ample means to do so)

They say: "But everyone feels like that at times. You just need to suck it up. Choke it down. Deal with it."

I say: "We shouldn't HAVE to deal with it! We shouldn't HAVE to be OK with feeling this way. What is wrong with our people when they are feeling this way??

They say: "It doesn't matter how you feel, as long as you are earning money.  That's all that matters."

I say: "I would rather earn less money and do what I love than earn more money and do what makes me feel this way."

They say: "You are just acting like a spoiled person who isn't getting everything they want."

I say: "That may be, but I can't go on with this feeling, this resistance much longer. I feel that is it telling me "something" and I want to know what. I don't have 100% surety that this resistance/feeling is actually trying to tell me something, but my intuition suggests it.  I have tries many other options and this logic (that resistance/feeling is trying to tell me something) is what I am going with now."

  They = a combination of parts of the world and parts of my inner beliefs/dialogue
  I = the one feeling this way

My prayer: Universe. God. Self. Give me my the change I need!  Lead me, on a very steep slope*, to my work of happiness, satisfaction, and belonging.  A work that I don't mind putting in long hours for- because it doesn't feel like work.  A work that will allow me to support my family. Universe. God. Self. Realize me into the change I need!

*steep slope means it happens very fast

Personally what I feel may be on that path: Writing (not anything, but that what is in line with who I am.) Movie scripts. Books. Articles. Continued business in editing other's written work.

May this help you in some way. Peace and Love.


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