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Monday, July 8, 2019

Dissatisfaction with Work

I am at work but I feel such a strong resistance to being here, participating, and contributing; I can't explain it. I feel a great momentum within myself that is moving in a different direction than my "current" path. (Don't get me wrong, this is a great company with great people- it's just not ME.)

This feels like a stronger resistance than I have ever felt before. I have felt resistance many times but never this STRONG. I am asking my inner self to show me- where is this resistance coming from? Where is it leading me? (I can't stop my current path unless I know where the "other option" may lead and that it will be able to support my family.) Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? (I know I am not "supposed" to do anything- I believe I have free will, but the question is to my self- what do I want me to do.) I feel I don't want to move from this spot until I know what I am supposed to do.

The immediacy of where I am is nearly unbearable. I can't fathom going into this for another six months- maybe another month or so - but ONLY if I know where my path will diverge to.  Change NOW would be better!

[Can my need for change be compared in any way to Farady's Law? (change in flux causes current to flow)]

Without change, I feel on the verge of admitting myself to a mental hospital. Yes it's that bad. My impulse is to look to the internet for my answers.  But I know from lots of experience in doing so, that searching for my internal answers on the internet only leads to more: confusion, wasted time, doubt, depression, emptiness, and continued lack of direction.

I am away from people, but still at work. I am "safe" for now - "safe" from the demand of others- requesting my attention, my thought power- to ends with which I do not completely agree. (I do agree with some of it, just now wholeheartedly- I don't feel it is ME.) 

It makes me feel like yelling inside. It makes me feel like saying "no" (to any asks of me). It makes me feel like leaving and not coming back.

What would I rather do instead? Read. Write. Talk with people. Take a long walk every day. Be able to move around the country when I want. (with ample means to do so)


They say: "But everyone feels like that at times. You just need to suck it up. Choke it down. Deal with it."

I say: "We shouldn't HAVE to deal with it! We shouldn't HAVE to be OK with feeling this way. What is wrong with our people when they are feeling this way??

They say: "It doesn't matter how you feel, as long as you are earning money.  That's all that matters."

I say: "I would rather earn less money and do what I love than earn more money and do what makes me feel this way."

They say: "You are just acting like a spoiled person who isn't getting everything they want."

I say: "That may be, but I can't go on with this feeling, this resistance much longer. I feel that is it telling me "something" and I want to know what. I don't have 100% surety that this resistance/feeling is actually trying to tell me something, but my intuition suggests it.  I have tries many other options and this logic (that resistance/feeling is trying to tell me something) is what I am going with now."

Where:
  They = a combination of parts of the world and parts of my inner beliefs/dialogue
  I = the one feeling this way

My prayer: Universe. God. Self. Give me my the change I need!  Lead me, on a very steep slope*, to my work of happiness, satisfaction, and belonging.  A work that I don't mind putting in long hours for- because it doesn't feel like work.  A work that will allow me to support my family. Universe. God. Self. Realize me into the change I need!

*steep slope means it happens very fast

Personally what I feel may be on that path: Writing (not anything, but that what is in line with who I am.) Movie scripts. Books. Articles. Continued business in editing other's written work.

May this help you in some way. Peace and Love.

...

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

FIRST DAY OF THE WEAK


FIRST DAY OF THE WEAK
by Brandy Maki

Monday Morning, the Head of the Country addressed his citizens:

“She is a cunning one. Hailing from the depths of hell, she rains chaos, mayhem, and destruction down on the dwellers of Earth. Spitting on the face of Humans, she devours the innocent while assisting the wrong-doers. She has nothing but a tortuous, malicious mind. Of whom, you ask, do I speak? No other than the dreaded and infamous Mother Nature.

“For longer than man’s recollection spans, Mother Nature has been tormenting humankind. She spews down oodles of deadly, drowning slaver. She laps up the shores with her venomous tongue and destroys the land with her wicked breath. She dissolves the glaciers with her villainous gaze and quakes the ground with her abysmal cough. She has killed millions and will most likely kill millions, if not billions, more. What have humans done to deserve such torment? What have we done to receive such cruelty and hatred?

“It is evident that she will not stop. We have tried to compromise, yet she is unwilling. We have no choice but to take drastic action. The unceasing effort of Mother Nature to wipe out the Human Beings has placed us in a dire situation, a situation in which we must call to arms the forces of justice. We must apply our most extreme armor, employ our vast supply of weaponry, and utilize our greatest intelligence. Mother Nature is asking for an all-out war. 

“We must protect our children, our homes, our schools, and our churches from the wrath which Mother Nature brings. No more will we let her ravage our streets and demolish our homes, but instead we will defend and fight for our lands. We will step forth to the front lines. We will establish a highly knowledgeable coalition, filled with the finest experts, which will lead us in battle. We will make this land safe, once again, for our citizens. We will no longer have to worry whether our lives and homes will be spared by such a ruinous force as Mother Nature. We will prove to her that we are free and that we will live where we please without disastrous consequences. By leading the fight against Nature, we will liberate ourselves and our children. Freedom will be ours, and we will fear no more. We will claim Mother Nature herself as our own, and our victory will result in our ownership, our enslavement of her: the land, the air, and the sea.

“How will we battle such a behemoth as Mother Nature? It will take many of us; we must all join in the fight, and we must hold strong. We must not run from our shores; we must not leave our homes. Be it flood, fire, gale, or quake, we must stand our ground and face her with all of our might. She may take our homes, and she may take our lives, but in the end, we will be the victors. We will stay ‘til the end and finally we will become the Lords of the Land.

“Thanks to the hard work of our scientists and new technology, we now have years of research and data showing us every move of Mother Nature, making it easy to judge her next step. The scientists, together with the Federal Intelligence Force, have been formulating precise plans as to how we will stage our attack. We have learned the location of her vital areas, and we are now able to stage our fortifications.

“We must send out troops and begin construction right away. We will remold the land which Nature once used as a tool against us, and by doing so, we will create a land that will be used to our advantage; a land that benefits us. We will force Mother Nature to be our slave. We will reroute her rivers; we will build walls to contain her water. Her fires will not reach us nor will her quakes and gales take down our buildings. She has constructed the land in a way to murder us, and we will reconstruct the land in a way that will murder her. There will no longer be floodplains and fire zones to invoke fear on our people. Instead, the land will be beautiful and gentle for it will be everything we want it to be and nothing we don’t. We will be able to build our homes where we please.  We will no longer be taken by that evil wretch; for this is why we fight.

“This war is necessary to keep our citizens safe. We must come to arms with Mother Nature and show her that we will take her malice no longer. She is a terrorist, and we must stop her. From this point on, our country is at war.”

--

“It’s about time,” said Nathan to his fiancé. “I don’t know why they didn’t come up with this sooner. This is just what we need! They’ll force the river out of the district and developers will be begging for our new design. The ads you came up with are excellent. I think they will show everyone that we’re on the cutting edge.”

“Do you think they’re that good?” Tracy asked. “I wanted it to sound real, yet futuristic but not too far out there. Has Jack even seen them yet?”

“No,” replied Nathan, taking a bite of his bran flakes, “but I told him about them, and I plan to show them to him today.”

“What happens if they can’t do what they say they will?” said Tracy. “I mean, they have this wonderful plan to change the course of a colossal river. What if this is all just hype to get everyone involved and raise morale? What if they can’t do it?”

“Of course they can do it, Tracy,” said Nathan. “This is the FIF we are talking about here. I don’t think they hire any nerd off the street. Don’t worry.  The HOC knows what he is talking about. We have the strongest country in the world; if anyone is going to defeat Mother Nature, it’s going to be us.”

--

“This isn’t going to do any good,” Josephine said to a customer while keeping her eyes on the television.

“Wars never do any good,” replied the customer taking a sip of his coffee. “I reckon they'll be spending billions and billions of dollars on this war. And what will we get out of the deal? Nothing.”

“You’re right. Every time they come up with some bright idea to save the country, who does it end up saving? Not us! No, we’re just the ones who pay! A while back, when all those disasters were happening, a few of my neighbors were evicted because their housing assistance was cut. At the same time, I read in the paper that the funding was cut for the parks around town. They used to be so beautiful, and now they are in shambles. They take our money and give it to those idiots living on the edge of catastrophe. Instead of waiting for the car to pass, they jump out in front of it and yell stop. To hell with them.” Josephine, with a look of disgust on her face, reached up and turned off the television.

“Maybe the car will hit ‘em,” said the man after taking another drink of his coffee.

Hello World

Thanks for reading this.

I need to do this. I need to write. For some reason, which I have yet to discover, I have stopped myself from writing for many years.  I was born a writer.  In fact, when the rest of my family was watching a movie in the living room, I was downstairs reading, writing, or making something. Through my teenage years, I wrote.

I wrote when I was young.
I wrote when I was sad.
I wrote when I was happy.
I wrote when I was me.

Now, I write to be me again.

This will all be experimental from here on out.  I have had this idea, on and off, for a long time.  I have always let fear overcome me.  I let it stop me.  Now, I am letting the opposite of fear, love, to take over.

I will share things. I will be me. I will work to figure things out. I will express my feelings.  It will be OK.

May this intentional declaration of my thoughts and feelings help you in some way.  Peace and love.